She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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