you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
