Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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