I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
