I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
