where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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