So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
