he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
