Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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