i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
