i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
