You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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