Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
