you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
