Small penises have feelings too.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
