just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
