I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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