The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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