worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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