i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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