is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize