i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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