oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
