Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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