We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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