You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
