I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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