the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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