NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
