No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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