Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
