Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
