Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
