you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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