I want to have your abortion
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
