The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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