First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
