im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
