gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
