that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
