i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
