Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
MIDGETS
????
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
