the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
