Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
