I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
