Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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