i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
now i know why i became what i already was.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
