we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
