i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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