Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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