Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
