I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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