i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
