You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
