Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We smell like vodka and hangover
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