I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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