About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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