So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
