she woke up with a sticky ear
just tell him i said nine months
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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